Because You Love Him
We do a lot for our husbands. In fact, we do a lot of things we don’t always enjoy or feel like doing for them: laundry, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, child rearing, back rubs, etc. These are all wonderful ways to love our husbands. However, when we do things we don’t want to do for our husbands, we tread in dangerous territory that can cause deep rooted damage to the relationship. So to jump right in, here’s my leading piece of advice:
Stop doing things you don't want to do for your husband.
At first glance, that sounds like terrible advice, but the result of doing things you don’t want to do for him is almost always the same: a resentful heart. Yes, there will always be things we don’t want to do that we should do or that need to be done. While that may be true, there are steep repercussions for consistently acting against our will for the sake of someone else.
The Bitter Truth
I’m confident that the most destructive emotion to have within a marriage is resentment. Betrayal hurts. Rejection stings. Bitterness is poison.
Resentment destroys and obliterates.
It infiltrates the heart and mind, so everything you do hurts you and your husband. Before you know it, you are hating your husband, your marriage, and your life. You lose the enjoyment that comes as a result of serving someone you love, and begin to loath doing what used to excite you.
When everything you do, causes you to feel more anger and more frustration with your husband, you need to stop and ask yourself, “Is this worth my marriage?” Are those dishes in the sink that you were hoping he would do worth you doing, just to fill yourself up with anger towards your husband as you do them?
For His Benefit
On more than one occasion, I have cleaned up that pile of laundry that’s in between the dresser and the dirty laundry basket “for him”, only to be the most unwelcoming, pissed off wife to him when he comes home. Long story short, those nights have never ended well for either of us. Typically, he doesn’t even know, or care for that matter, about that pile of in-between laundry being done. And here I did it “for him” while welcoming him with my lovely attitude about it. So the question arises, “Was me doing that really for his benefit?”
When you do something for him out of spite, anger, or frustration, you fill your mind with thoughts against your husband. We turn something that could be a helpful task for our husbands into a point of conflict. I’m telling you, the dirty sock, the unmade bed, the whatever it is that you do that fills your heart with bitterness and resentment, is not worth it. Your marriage is so much more important than whatever task that is for you.
From a Place of Love
If you can’t do it out of love for your husband, don’t do it. I’m not saying you should stop doing hard, time-consuming, strenuous tasks for him simply because you don’t enjoy doing it. I just want you to be able to do those things from a place where you feel some level of joy, love, and even some excitement to be helpful to him.
The difference is, when you do it from a place of love, the result is you continue feeling love for him and are excited to have been helpful. Alternatively, when you do it from a place of frustration, anger, or like this burdening task is his job and you shouldn’t have to be doing it, the result is you feeling resentful.
The real loser in the latter situation is you. You are the one who has to feel the icky, painful, burning anger about doing that task while he is blissfully going on with his life. You are the one who is most affected by it- initially. As time goes on, you begin to act on those feelings of resentment that cause a marriage to fall apart at the seams. Resentment is sneaky. If it isn’t caught or tamed, it can swiftly lead to catastrophe.
Ask Him
If the task is really bothering you, ask him to do it. Simple as that. I get myself so ridiculously worked up over things that he is completely unaware of because I don’t just say something about it. I can’t be the only one who expects my husband to just know what I think is acceptable or not.
It doesn’t have to sound like nagging when you ask, either. You can kindly ask, “Can you please take the garbage out?” If he doesn’t do it, you get the opportunity to be tactfully, bluntly, lovingly honest with him about how that effects you and your marriage. I have often used a phrase that goes something like, “Babe, I’m not trying to bother you or give you more things to do, but I need XYZ done, now. If I do it for you, I know I’ll have a hard time not feeling resentful towards you, and I don’t want that for us.”
Chances are, if he cares about you and your relationship, he will do that thing. I don’t have to let myself be angry about it or run to my friends to tell them how annoying it is that he won’t do XYZ. I can be open and honest with him with love, patience, and gentleness.
For Your Benefit
You might read that and think, “That sure sounds nice, but he still won’t do it and it needs to be done.” I hear that. Although no one will die if there are dishes in the sink, we fall behind on laundry, or the creaky door that needs fixed stays creaky a little longer, at the end of the day, we need to have clean dishes, washed clothes, and a functioning door.
If it is bothering you to be undone, and it’s bothering you that he won’t do it, you are the common denominator. To be lovingly honest with you right now, if you are the only one bothered by the situation, you are probably the only one who will notice and appreciate it being taken care of, as well. It’s obviously not an issue for your husband, at least not enough for him to be willing to deal with it. Therefore, it’s your problem.
Which believe it or not, is a really great thing, because that makes you the perfect person to be the solution for that “problem”. You are the solution to those undesirable tasks. Now that it is your problem, you get to be the capable and mature adult that you are, and take care of it- for you.
Put in the mental effort to make the task about you and what you desire, rather than about him and what he is lacking to do/provide. When you do something because you want to, you can do it with pride and a sense of peace, despite your husband’s efforts in the matter.
To reiterate, instead of doing it for him, do it for you and your peace of mind. Don’t make it about your husband, it’s no longer about him. Do it because you like a clean home or a non-creaky door. Do it because you would love your car to run well with a fresh oil change, and you are capable of learning and doing it yourself. Own those things that are stealing your peace, and take responsibility over them without causing discord within your marriage.
You Are Not His Mom
Make no mistake, I’m not saying you should take care of all his responsibilities. You are NOT his mother. You are his loving wife, and part of loving is allowing people to take care of their own responsibilities.
You deserve and need to be respected. Period. When you ask him to do or not do something, and he willfully does the opposite over and over again, this is disrespect. It can look like him walking on the freshly cleaned floor with his dirty boots, even after you’ve told him to take his boots off at the door. This is where I highly recommend strong communication, and possibly setting up boundaries. For example, if he throws his clothes on the ground instead of the dirty hamper, you burn it.🔥
Just kidding. On a serious note, maybe the boundary is if he throws it on the floor, you are going to set it on his side of the bed- out of your way, and in his. Communicate your wants, communicate boundaries if they need to be set, and remember above all to love each other and are on the same team in this life. Boundaries are to protect the respect of each other in the marriage, not to destroy it.
Not being his mother means not picking up everything after him, but it also means not demanding things of him either. My mom, whom I love, often gave me and my siblings our own chores and to-do lists. She is the one who made sure they were done, and done right. She looked them over, and if they weren’t done or done properly- she let us know. She pointed out the flaws and had us correct them. She did that, because she was our mother. It was her job to teach me and my siblings how to clean, manage a tidy home, and to raise us to take care of our own responsibilities such as cleaning, completing our homework, laundry, dishes, etc. That is the job of a mother, not of a wife.
Want to, Because You Love Him
Wanting to do things for your own benefit is a great way to get things done without the drama of relational tension and resentment. However, wanting to do things for your husband, because you love him, is the very best reason to do anything for him. Whether it’s folding his laundry, changing the oil, offering sexual favors, making breakfast, giving the kids a bath, or whatever else it may be- do it because you want to. And want to, because you LOVE him.
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