How It's Supposed To Be
Parents are emotionally attached to their children. The bond is so strong that we sometimes forget we are actually a separate emotional being. Us women are particularly empathetic, especially with our children. It hurts us when our children get hurt physically or emotionally. When our children get embarrassed, we also bear the feeling through second-hand embarrassment. When our children are having meltdowns, we feel anger and frustration build up within us, and whether we have a meltdown about it or not, we are still suffering from similar feelings (anger, frustration, impatience, lack of self-control, etc.)
Respect their Ownership
Why do we feel like we need to carry THEIR feelings? Why do we have so much anxiety around our children getting hurt, being mad, getting their heart broken, feeling embarrassed, or suffering defeat? We love our children. It’s natural to want to protect them, but feeling “bad” with them is not helpful in most situations. Their emotions do not belong to us. Allow them ownership of their emotions out of respect for them as individuals and respect for yourself.
I say, “bad” with quotations because feelings are not good or bad. Feelings are completely neutral. They are simply byproducts of our thinking. We often associate pain, sadness, defeat, grief, embarrassment, and anger as being bad. However, I want to point out that those feelings are normal. In fact, they are supposed to be there, and for good reason.
Purpose in Pain
Our children are not and will never be immune to pain and trails, and God made them that way on purpose. He gave us free will, and we abuse that with selfishness and sin. Sin aside, life still offers its share of hardships, disappointments, and losses. All this to say, we will get hurt, but it’s not all in vain.
It's through the tearing of muscles that make you stronger.
It's through defeat that perseverance is built up.
It's through overwhelming desire where one truly matures in self-control.
It's through anger when one recognizes injustice and strives to make it right.
It's through heartbreak in which one grows in resilience and understands the importance of taking care of and cherishing what/who you have.
It's in fear and doubt where courage is developed.
It takes the testing of boundaries to understand where they lie, and crossing them to understand why they’re there.
Your child is growing. Those “bad” feelings and those frustrating behaviors are supposed to be there, because that is how they develop. It’s hard, because we naturally want to feel bad with them or believe that their behaviors are inherently bad. Let’s consider this:
What if next time my toddler has a tantrum I thought to myself, “This is developmentally normal. He is supposed to do this. He is still learning how to deal with these feelings, and I get to be the one to teach him!”? I would be much better at parenting him through it. I also have now put myself in an intentional position to not join him in his frustration. This makes me more effective at teaching, and also models to him that it is possible to make a different choice when these hard feelings arise.
Here is a tougher example: A parent might discover their child has engaged in watching porn. What if we didn’t immediately think “ There is something wrong with my child! This shouldn’t be like this. Where have I gone wrong as a mother?!,“ and instead thought something along the lines of “ My child is developing their sexual self. That is something that is supposed to happen. That’s how God made us to be. I have the opportunity to help them understand how good of a thing that will be when they are married, and why (and how) they should protect themselves in the meantime.”
This changes the way we approach the situation. Yes, expectations and boundaries are a major part of all this, but I am focusing specifically on our mindset jumping into these situations. Once we have put ourselves into a good mindset, we are much more able to then deal with those behaviors and emotions with rational, loving, and effective measures.
It IS Supposed to Be this Way
We stress about these possibilities with our children. We often feel like things “aren’t supposed to be this way” , but I want to encourage you to fight your natural instinct of believing that certain feelings and your children’s struggles with those feelings are “wrong” or bad. Rather, choose to believe them to be something that is supposed to happen, and use them as opportunities for growth and learning. Maybe it IS supposed to be this way. By altering our perspective ever so slightly, we can powerfully impact the way we show up for our children.
All this said, I am not excited for my boy’s disappointments. I’m not excited for my daughter’s first heartbreak. I am not looking forward to their struggles in life. However, I am looking forward to their character development. I’m genuinely excited to watch them overcome, persevere, learn, and achieve great things as incredible people. I am ready, as I’ll ever be, to train them in love as situations arise. I can endure my children’s challenges with hope, not despair. I can do this from a place of love and acceptance of the matter, because I decided to think, “It IS supposed to be this way.”
For Us, Too
This concept is not specific to your children. In fact, we can benefit greatly from applying this mindset to our adult lives. Let me ask you this:
What is happening in your life right now that just sucks; truly, undeniably, painfully, sucks? Maybe it’s your marriage or your financial situation. Perhaps it’s your work environment, your broke down car, or fight with your friend. Maybe you experienced some sort of abuse- surely that shouldn’t have happened. I think it’s much easier to take this concept and apply it to our children than to ourselves.
I am not suggesting those situations are wonderful things to be glad about. However, offering the possibility that those things were supposed to happen opens up the doors to new possibilities for positive thinking.
What if this struggle with your spouse is what it takes to build a marriage of incredible strength? What if your hard financial situation is what drives you to be wise with your money in ways you didn’t know you could that leads to a lifetime of good stewardship? Maybe your poor work environment is your opportunity to be a leader, and create a positive culture that drastically improves the whole company. What if that broke down car saved you from a devastating accident? Could you make that fight with your friend a pivotal moment that pushes you toward an honest, deeper and more authentic friendship? Maybe you become a testimonial of hope and person of support to someone else who has endured or is struggling with abuse.
The truth of the matter is we don’t know, but how you choose to think about your situations and emotions will change the way you handle them. Can we have the courage to look at our problems, our struggles, and our feelings and acknowledge the possibility that maybe these things were supposed to happen? I am supposed to feel angry, hurt, and sad. I am supposed to be struggling with my toddler, that’s how I become a better mother.
Opportunity
Maybe you’re in the thick of it and that idea is a painful thought, but let it empower you with hope. You now have a clean view of your feelings and situations. You get to allow the thought that it IS supposed to be this way, and can now deal with it without guilt and shame. You have power to make the very most of this season you’re in. You can have those feelings and process them from a place of acceptance, and even gratefulness for having them. You get to grow, develop character, get stronger, wiser, and more humble. You have the opportunity to make good decisions about your behavior and thoughts in a hard time. You get to flourish into who you were made to become. What a beautiful and powerful thing that is.
I am so excited for you to become that woman. I am grateful you have pushed through the battles you have overcome in life. If nobody else is, I am proud of you and your development as you put forth effort to become a stronger, more loving, and better woman. I hope you continue to fiercely flourish in both your motherhood and life 💛
Thank You For Being Here
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Thank you again for coming back here week by week reading my little blogs- It means so much to me!
Feel free to let me know what you think; I LOVE hearing from you in the comments or via email at fiercelyflourish@gmail.com
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