How To Connect With Your Baby and Toddler
My Story
When I gave birth to our first child, Everett, I thought after carrying him for nine months that I would automatically have an inseparable bond with him; like a magical Disney moment of love at first sight. That sounds dramatic, but was it unreasonable of me to believe I would naturally be captivated by this child I grew? I didn’t think so. However, soon after he arrived, I realized it is nothing like the movies.
I remember crying while telling my husband only months after Everett was born, “ I feel like I am caring for a stranger. I don’t even know this person, this child I’m holding who is demanding so much of me all day long every day.” Not only was I completely exhausted and still healing from birth, but I was overwhelmed by the guilt and shame for not automatically feeling a sense of love and closeness to my baby.
Not Alone
If you can relate to this, and have young children (0-2yrs old) of your own that you are struggling to bond with, let me assure you of this: you are not alone, and there is nothing wrong with you. You don’t need to feel the guilt and shame you are currently carrying. Building a stronger relationship with your child is achievable and will happen. It’s okay to not feel close with your baby right off the bat. I now know that most of it was just part of being postpartum as a first time mom. The hormones, exhaustion, and lack of sleep was borderline insufferable.
During that time, I thought I was the only one, but the more moms I talk to, the more I realize this is not an uncommon experience. Nobody wants to talk about it because we feel it is wrong or unnatural.
As I write this, Everett is 18 months old, and although he has transitioned from baby to toddler, it still requires a constant effort to connect on a daily basis. Because let’s be real, it’s difficult to connect with someone who can’t say more than 10 words (or any)!
All that being said, I want to share with you some practical tips and ways that you can bond better with your baby and/or toddler!
Tips For Effective And Positive Interaction
First thing’s first- let’s talk about what we can do to make the most of our interactions with our littles! Being able to get on their level, intentionally spend time with them, and be fully present will help you both connect to each other more deeply and effectively.
1.) Put Away your Phone
The average American spends approximately four hours on their phone every single day. If you want to cultivate a strong relationship with your child, it is imperative that you set aside your phone, and allow yourself to be present with them.
2.) Interaction with Intention
When you interact with your child, try to get into a relationship building mindset. When you are interacting with a specific goal in mind, it affects how you spend that time with your kid. It transitions you from passive interaction to productive interaction. Of course, we need to be realistic – not every waking moment will be for the sole purpose of bonding. But, being aware of your desire to connect will make the time spent with your child QUALITY time.
3.) Take Care of Yourself
I know this sounds like it doesn’t belong, but hear me out. When I am frustrated, exhausted, in need of a shower or food, I am in no condition to respond well to anyone. That’s not to say bonding still can’t happen, but it probably won’t be the most loving or positive. Having your needs met will allow you to better respond to your child, and make connection easier and better for both parties.
4.) Get on Their Level
I mean literally on their level. Communication will be much more effective and personal when you are at their height. If crawling is the stage they are at right now, try to get down on the floor with them. If they are just starting to stand on their own and walk, squat down to talk to them so your eyes are at the same level. This will make them feel like you are beside them, not domineering over them.
With these tips, you will be able to have better quality interaction and thus, further your ability to connect with each other!
10 Powerful and Practical Ways to Connect with your Baby and Toddler
Now that we have some tips for how to effectively communicate with our young children, we can jump right into the million dollar question: how in the world can I cultivate a loving relationship with this being who is always on top of me, demanding every ounce of energy I have, and all without being able to talk?
1.) Let Them Be Apart Of Your Everyday Tasks
Yes, it will take you 10x longer, and their “help” might not be helpful. However, kids long to please their parents, and to feel included and valued. If you can find a way for them to join you in what you’re doing, you’ll find it easier to have more intentional time with your child. The more quality time you have with your child, the more connection will happen.
Maybe they can pull dishes out of the dishwasher to hand to you. If they are only crawling, maybe they can have a damp rag to wipe the floor, while you wipe next to them. You can also wear your baby with a wrap or baby carrier while you vacuum or do other chores.
Whatever the age or ability, try to involve them in what you are already doing on a daily basis. The key here is to be patient and allow yourself to slow down. Involving your kids might mean you only get so many things checked off your to-do list. Something I wish I had learned sooner is this: There will always be things that need to get done and require your attention. But right now, your kids need you and your love, time, and affection. When you weigh out the importance of your children’s bond with you and the floor getting mopped immediately, the choice is clear.
It’s not easy to have this mindset when you are in the midst of carrying out the daily tasks at home, but including your child will build a stronger relationship. This will help you bond, as well as grow their confidence and ability as they practice life skills from such a young age.
Involving your children hits 2 birds with 1 stone: they learn household chores, AND they get to bond with you as they do it! Although the slow work of including them seems like more work than it’s worth, the fruits of your labor will pay off. They will sooner be able to help independently, and actually make the work go by faster!
2.) Say YES
When your toddler hands you a toy or a book, take that as an opportunity to get into their world. I am too often brushing off my child, because of my busywork. Our culture is so obsessed with being busy, that we rely solely on completing to-do lists in order to feel successful. (I mean, who doesn’t love the instant gratification of checking off the boxes and the sense of accomplishment after getting a lot of things “done”?)
Motherhood does not give instant gratification, and we are never “done.” I believe this is why it is such a challenge for us to just sit and enjoy time with our children. Motherhood never ends, even after our children enter adulthood. It’s hard to feel motivated to do something well (aka motherhood) when we don’t have a clear end point where we can say it is “done” or “completed.”
So here is where I encourage you, take the time now to build a strong bond while you have the most ideal opportunity: while they are fully desiring and asking for your time and attention. It will not always be this way. Yes, you are always a mom, but while they are young is when the foundation of their bond with you is being constructed. Is it being built with intention, love, and security? Are you saying “yes” to their request not just to play, but to spend quality time with you?
During this playtime, allow them to control the story, keep your phone tucked away, and intentionally plan time to play with them. It’s okay to let go and be silly!
For a baby, playing might look like:
- Moving a toy or rattle back and forth for their eyes to track
- Listening to music while you dance with them
- Placing them in front of a mirror and making faces
- Blowing bubbles for them to admire
- Flipping through a picture book
- Peek-a-boo
- Pumping their legs gently in a bicycle motion while they lay on their back
- Stroller rides
For young toddlers play might be:
- Chase/Running around the house
- Outside exploration
- Bubbles
- Reading books
- Wrestling
- Play with toys: Cars, dolls, blocks, etc.
- Anything with water: water table, bath, puddles
- Copying sounds, words, or facial expressions
I once heard that play is a child’s love language.
Show your kid some love and bond with them through play.
4.) Eat With Them
If your baby still needs you to feed them, this one is a no brainer; they physically cannot eat without you! For the ones who can feed themselves, it can be more challenging to sit with them. There are so many benefits to eating together as a family, but so often we just don’t do it! As soon as my oldest could finger food into his mouth on his own, I would make his food, and find something else to do. I would quickly pick-up the living room, start a load of dishes, or be at the table only to scroll on my phone.
Allowing yourself to sit while they eat ensures that you are taking time to feed yourself, as well as be fully present with your child at least 3 times a day. It also is important to pay attention to children while they eat, as they are at a much higher risk of choking.
The more time you spend being present with your child, the closer you will feel to them, and vice versa.
5.) Initiate Play
Although this is similar to the second point, initiating play is can be much more impactful on the child than simply saying yes when they are the ones to offer. This works a lot better if you purposely plan for play with your child.
Challenge yourself to initiating play at least once a day. As we all know, actions speak louder than words, and initiating play with your child will shout “I love you, I care about you, and I want to spend time with you!”
6.) Get Physical
Children love movement and physical touch. Even from the womb, they feel the closeness of their mothers, and are comforted by her daily movements. Rocking your baby will bring both of you a sense of peace and closeness. Holding your child skin to skin promotes attachment and comfort for both parent and baby. Physical movement also releases dopamine and serotonin (feel good hormones).
This doesn’t just apply to rocking and holding a newborn, but also as they learn to crawl, walk and run. Playing chase, no matter what stage they are at or how fast they can move, will flood both them and you with happy hormones!
Some great things you can do for physical contact throughout the day are:
- Holding their hand
- Hugs
- Massages
- High fives/Fist bumps
- Sitting them in your lap while you read/fold laundry/etc.
- Baby wearing
Physical movement and touch are important for physical and social development. Getting physical is a simple and powerful way to encourage connection between you and your little one.
7.) Use Your Voice
When I stayed home with our firstborn, I hardly spoke anything to him for the first few months. While my husband was at work, I had no one to talk with, so I just didn’t talk until he got back home. Fast forward to now, I am much more aware of how powerful our voices are.
Your baby can recognize your specific voice before they are even born! It’s tough to talk to a baby who can’t talk back, but they connect to you that way. Your voice is so soothing to your child. They may even smile and “coo” back to you. There are many ways you can use your voice to grow closer with your baby:
- Sing
- Read
- Say what you are doing as you do them or things you have yet to do
- Tell them what you love about them (ex. I love when you laugh/coo/smile. I love the sound of your voice.)
- Point and name body parts/animals/shapes/colors/toys/etc.
- Make observations (You look tired/hungry/upset/awake/happy)
- Say, “I love you.”
Even as newborn babies, your children find peace in your voice. The more you talk to them, the better.
8.) Respond To Your Baby
Communication builds connection, even if your child can’t talk, they still have ways of communicating. Often they communicate through:
- Cries
- Gestures
- Smiles/facial expression
- Babble, Coos, and Grunts
- Pointing/Reaching
Responding to your child’s effort to communicate is your way of communicating that you love and care about them. It provides your child with security, trust and love. I’ll say it again, communication builds connection– just because your baby is not speaking English yet, does not mean you and your child cannot communicate. There is constant communication, verbal and nonverbal.
Therefore, it’s important to respond to their hunger, anger, fears, and frustrations. Respond to their laughter, coos, and gestures. They are trying to “talk” to you.
9.) Meet Them Where They Are At
Building off the previous point, when you are with your child, get on their level and into their world. When your baby is hungry and fussing, understand that they went from being perfectly fed into the womb, to now experiencing hunger pains- a whole new feeling for them.
When your young toddler is frustrated the truck can’t fit between the crib rails, for them, it may be the worst life experience they’ve ever had up to that point. Life experiences are subjective. A big thing to a child, may be a little thing to us. A big thing to us, may be a little thing to an elder.
Crouch down to your child to be eye level, meet them in their reality- that is currently falling apart at the seams, and empathize with them. Sometimes this involves problem solving, sometimes this involves a snack or feeding, sometimes this involves a hug.
No matter what, meeting them where they are at will drive them closer to you, and you closer to them as you allow yourself to understand them just as they are, right where they are at.
10.) Laugh!
I know this one can be so much easier said than done, but seriously if you can, let loose and laugh! There is no greater bond than when you are laughing with someone, and kids can be so dang funny! They just do strange things sometimes that make no sense at all.
Take some deep breaths, and give yourself the freedom to see the fun side of life. Parenthood is serious, and the responsibility of it is a heavy weight. But, in parenthood, you can find incredible joy and goodness! All it takes is a slight shift in mindset, and enjoying the moment and connecting with your child can feel possible again.
Giggle at the goofy things your children do, and they will likely laugh with you! Your littles will mirror what you say, do and express. Smile at them, and they will likely smile back- even babies only months old will do this!
Postpartum Depression
I want to note, if you feel no love for your child, completely detached, or like no matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to feel close to your child, reach out to your doctor. It is possible that you cannot emotionally connect with your child due to postpartum depression. Postpartum depression can affect anyone and is very serious. Even if you aren’t positive that’s what’s preventing you from bonding with your baby, it’s well worth the phone call. You don’t need to be self-diagnosed before talking to a professional for advice. You and your baby deserve the best of you, so don’t hesitate to reach out. No one is judging you, you’re not a “bad” mom, and it’s not uncommon. Taking care of yourself is essential. There is no shame; only love and care for you, mama. 🩷
Connection Will Come
It’s normal to not feel connected to your child right away. It’s normal to find it difficult to bond with someone who can’t yet speak! However, it is possible, and it will come. Even if you don’t intentionally do any of these things, connection will happen through time spent together. So, give yourself some grace, and begin to watch this new relationship with your child flourish into something beautiful!
