How to Get Deeper Relationships
Deep relationships matter, because relationships give us meaning. If our relationships are shallow, our lives are shallow as well. Our relationships with other people significantly impact our sense of value and worth.
That being said, it’s no surprise we crave intimacy with other people. Yet, if we take an honest look at our current relationships, most are superficial or casual, at best. The desire for more leads us to this question: how can we cultivate deeper relationships with the people around us?
What Does It Mean to Have a Meaningful Relationship?
Before jumping into how we can create deeper relationships, it’s imperative to know what we are looking for. What do you want out of your relationships? What does having a meaningful relationship mean to you? What do you believe it would take to consider a relationship as deep or meaningful? What does it look like? What is required of both parties to create it? What do you feel your current relationships are lacking to fulfill that?
I’d encourage you to take a moment to consider these questions. You have to know what you are striving for if you want to have any chance of achieving it. Without direction or intention, you simply continue to move through the motions. It’s like running in place, and hoping someday you’ll end up on top of a mountain. You shoot what you aim at, and if you’re not aiming at anywhere specific, you’ll probably end up shooting the sky, or the ground, or possibly your own foot.
What It Means for Me
For me, deep relationships mean both parties being honest, authentic, trustworthy, safe, and above all, filled with love for one another. I capitalize on love above all, because love is an overarching quality that encompasses multiple “good” characteristics.
When you love someone deeply, you encourage them. You are not envious of their achievements; you cheer them on and support them. Loving someone means protecting them, even if the protection comes with boundaries. Loving someone means meeting their needs as you are able. It means gentle conviction. It means patience and kindness. It means respect. It forgives and gives grace. It’s free of bitterness and resentment. It means accountability. It’s humble and open to feedback. It’s slow to anger. It means serving selflessly. It means laughing and crying together in whatever season of life we are in together. It means setting aside judgements. It means opening up your arms, pantry, or home. Love is active. Love is loyal and faithful. Love is found in true friendships. This is what a deep and meaningful relationships is to me. This is what I am striving for with the relationships I have with people.
Again I ask, what does a deep meaningful relationship mean to you? What is your heart’s desire for your relationships?
How to Cultivate Deeper Relationships with the People around Us
In short, it requires you to personally take on the relationship standards you desire for a meaningful relationship. For example, if a meaningful relationship to you means being there for each other in the highs and lows of life, you need to be there for the other person in their highs and lows.
People tend to mimic behavior depending on how other people present themselves. So, if you are authentically you, they will be more comfortable being their authentic selves. If you stay reserved, they will also remain reserved.
Subconsciously, people are incredibly good at reading others and adapting to their environment. It’s a survival skill. You must create an environment that helps generate the desired goal. People get set into their routines, speech patterns, and mannerisms. Therefore, it’s unreasonable to expect them to change into what you hope a relationship will be. It all starts with you. You must become what you want your relationship to flourish into.
Be Vulnerable
Being vulnerable takes courage, wisdom and tact. Remember, not everyone is worthy of your trust. If someone is known to gossip, confiding in them about your current struggle with your sister drama or your past heroin addiction is opening yourself up to a world of hurt and pain. Use discernment for who gets your heart, and how much they get.
However, we need to start being real with people in order to grow. Oftentimes, you need to make the first move. People who are trusted, are more willing to trust. When you are vulnerable, you make another feel safe to open up, too.
Additionally, being vulnerable with others opens yourself up to receiving help or encouragement and provides opportunity to grow as a community. When other people know what is happening in your heart, they can mourn with you, pray with you, encourage you, or even convict you in love. Vulnerability leads to growth for all parties involved.
Be Honest
People see through dishonesty; it is repulsive. This is a character and integrity practice. Your interactions and your words must be truthful 100% of the time.
Honest with who we are
It starts with being honest with ourselves; we are not any more or less than who we are as children of God. Being honest is the hardest when we see ourselves as higher or less than another person. We are all children of God. Yes, some people are of higher authority, and therefore deserve their proper due respect. Contrarily, there are others who are below our rank or authority, but as humans, we are all the same.
When I believe that I am higher than someone, I am prone to lie about my character to remain on my pedestal. When I believe that I am below someone, I catch myself talking without confidence and “pretending” that I know nothing valuable or have nothing worth contributing. Therefore, I contribute less in conversation and action.
Thinking of yourself significantly lower than who you really are can also be a toxic people-pleasing tactic, to make other people feel like they are more righteous and higher than me, so they feel good about themselves and thus “like me more”. It’s dishonest and not healthy.
Honest Curiosity
Are you being honest with your inclinations? When you ask what someone does for a living, are you honest in your curiosity or are you just asking to fill space?
We should be honest and genuine when asking questions and receiving answers, as well as being honest and genuine with our responses. When we are truly sincere in our answers, we listen better, learn more, and the other person feels heard and loved. We also give better responses and increase the quality of the conversation.
Honesty Leads to Trust
We trust people who are honest. Trust leads to loyalty to one another. Be honest with your words, your actions, who you are, and who they are. God died and rose again to offer salvation out of love for all of us. Let’s talk to each other with the same amount of truth, kindness, dignity, and respect that we want for ourselves.
Use What You Know
That honest curiosity stuff we just talked about really comes in handy for this one. When you are talking with someone, bring up things you know or remember about them. Think of things like what their plans were for the house remodel, their dreams, their struggles, their schedules, etc. Did they say their sister, whom they love, is pregnant? Ask how she’s doing! Did they say their kids have been sick all week last week? Make a comment about how wonderful it is for the kids to play together now that they are feeling better.
The more you pick up from previous conversations and sneak into current conversations, the more loved people will feel. The tiny little comments that may seem insignificant in mundane chit-chats will speak loudly to the person, “I love you, I hear you, I remember you, and I care about the things in your life that you tell me.”
There is something to be said about how special it is to be noticed and feel heard. These little “heart drops” people give that you pick up for future conversations expose your care for them. It’s little comments with big love. This will make them feel welcomed and confident in confiding in you, knowing that you care enough to listen and retain what they share.
Listen: Be a Better Listener than Talker
I am SO good at responding. I can come up with great conversation and questions. I can talk, fill the space, and find relatable stories to fit into conversation. However, I am not always a great listener. I’ve come home to my husband who asks me basic questions about the new friend I made: what they do, how many children they had, how old they are and I remember asking- but I don’t remember their answers. Why? Poor listening.
Here’s a crash course list of common problems that make people bad listeners:
- Auto-pilot questions/Dishonest curiosity
- Planning a response instead of thinking about what the other person is currently saying
- Interrupting
- Screen distractions (TV on, pulling out a phone, etc.)
- Relating everything they say to me and my own circumstance
- Checking out because you believe what they are saying is below you, not important, or irrelevant (believing you are “more than”)
- Checking out because you believe what they are saying is too complex for you to be able understand (believing you are “less than”)
Good listeners are good friends. Next time you chat with someone, challenge yourself to learn and remember something new about that person. This involves putting effort into caring about what they are saying and how it affects them. If you listened well, you will most likely walk away having learned more about that person than they learned about you. You both should walk away feeling loved, heard, and valued.
Discover Common Ground
If you are struggling to hold a conversation, find something you both can relate to, and dig into that. Once you can pinpoint one or two things you have in common, use them to your advantage by giving your thoughts, opinions, or experiences, and by asking for theirs as well!
Be a Safe Person
Deeper relationships require more responsibility. This higher responsibility includes not gossiping, having no harsh/unnecessary judgements, and proving that you are a reliable and welcoming person.
Gossip
Gossip is for immature people. Don’t be that person. If someone trusts you with personal information, take that with gratitude and honor. Steward that trust and information well by not sharing it outside of your relationship with that person. Gossip destroys relationships and your own character.
Avoid Harsh Judgements
Loving judgement does have its place in real loving relationships. However, it’s important to avoid harsh and unnecessary judgements when it comes down to matters of opinion or personal preference. Different does not always mean better/worse. Different can just mean different. The world is a wonderful and exciting place because we are all different.
The deepest relationship I have is with my husband. Something that makes our relationship so beautiful is that he is willing to lovingly offer corrections when my heart is not in the right place or I am acting immoral. It takes courage and real love to do that.
Be Reliable
Prove that you are reliable by sticking to your word and showing up when your friends need you. If you constantly bail last minute on plans or often turn down invites, people will stop calling you. They won’t ask for help, because they won’t expect you’ll come. They will stop asking you to hang out, because they’ve learned to know you’ll turn it down.
Welcome People with Love
Get excited to see people! Be that girl who is always hyping someone up, spreading words of encouragement, and getting excited about others’ lives. Let your home be open and warm. Keep snacks in your cupboards and drinks in your fridge.
Maybe you don’t run and jump into people’s arms like a romanticized movie scene, though I’m not above it. Maybe you simply greet someone a sincere smile and handshake. Express on your face, in your eyes, and with your voice that you are genuinely happy to see them and to have them in your presence. Be the person who makes people feel truly welcomed and loved right where they are at, and your relationships will blossom.
This welcoming quality is especially great for deepening longer relationships that have become more casual and mundane. You love your best friend, but you lose that natural giddy and excitement when they come over. Or even more, your husband. When was the last time you acted excited when he walked through the door, as if you have been anticipating all day for him to come home just so you could be with him? Try it out. Let me know how it goes. It can change the whole mood of the interaction, and overtime will affect the whole dynamic of the relationship. Being a welcoming person comes down to being truly excited to see others; making them feel loved and valued- a need we all have and desire.
Hold People Accountable
Accountability is one of the most powerful and loving things you can add to your relationships for strength, depth, and character. This is a crucial factor to real life changing relationships that is left out in most of our everyday friendships.
We, myself included, don’t want to hurt any feelings or step on any toes. We don’t want to offend or come off as “judgey” or self-righteous. However, the most loving thing someone could do for me if they see me walking off the path, is to give me a little shove back in the right direction. Done with tact and love, it’s good to remind your friends of their ultimate goals, and to point out to them when their current actions are not leading them there.
Keeping your friends accountable to their beliefs, dreams, and character means encouraging them to continue in their workouts, Bible reading, workplace conduct or overall demeanor of being good, kind, loving, etc. It can mean gently calling out the slack in their lives. You can simply ask them about something that they are doing that you know doesn’t align with their beliefs or where they want to go in life. Sometimes just an acknowledgement of something you’ve noticed can be enough of a hint to remind your friend they are falling short to the standards they’ve set for themselves. * This can feel very uncomfortable, sometimes it should. However, it proves that you are willing to have the hard conversation for the benefit of your friend. It shows you care enough about them and their desires to help keep them on track in life. You demonstrate what it looks like to love someone enough to move forward in their goals as if they were your own.
Contrarily, you must allow them to do the same without defensiveness or anger. This is part of growing and loving one another. How powerful of love you must have with someone, to be willing to hurt each other for the betterment of all parties. Good friends will love you, and be willing to make things uncomfortable in the short term for your long term benefit.
*Notice how I specified pointing out areas that they are falling short of in accordance to the standards they set for themselves. We do not have the authority over another person’s life to determine what their standards of living should be or have goals in mind for them that they are to be striving for.
Put in the Effort
You have to call. You have to reach out, you HAVE to make time even when there seems to be no time to pull from. You have to show up when you don’t really feel like it. Effort must be made for relationships to grow. The best relationships are the ones you invest in. The ones you don’t invest in, don’t exist. Period.
Express Gratitude
Be honestly grateful for people, and express how much people mean to you. Think about how they make your life better, more fun, more genuine, more educated, etc. They need to know they are valued by you. We all need to feel appreciated, as well as get a sense of assurance that we really do matter to other people in the world. I challenge you right now to call or text someone, anyone: your spouse, friend, sister-in-law, whoever! Text them something like this,
“Hey, I was just thinking about you today, and I’m really grateful to have you in my life. I love you so much, and I can’t wait to see you again.”
Seriously, right now- send that to someone. You can personalize it however you want, but your people need to know you love and appreciate them. This moves your relationship from being topical and shallow, to deep and thoughtful. It tells them that you don’t just think about them when you are physically together at work, church, family events, etc. Rather, that you have them on your heart and mind even when you are apart.
Have Awareness
I admit, I have been known to be rather oblivious; something I have been working really hard at overcoming. My husband on the other hand is incredible at reading people and the environment. Due to his heightened sense of awareness, he is able to anticipate plans, needs, reactions/responses, potential roadblocks, potential successes, and foresee what future next steps may look like for any given process.
It’s such a gift for people to pay enough attention to you that they notice when you are a little bit off. If you notice something off in the way your friend acted the other day, reach out. Even if it’s nothing, it lets them know you are seeing them. Maybe your outgoing friend is pregnant and about to have a baby. She plans to be a stay at home mom. You can anticipate that a couple months down the road she will need some extra love and support to fill her social cup.
You don’t have to be so hyperaware that your are looking for things that don’t even exist, but be vigilant and genuine in your awareness and ability to pay attention to your people when you are with them. See the needs that are there, and meet them.
Respect
Of course, we know to respect each other in the way we speak and act, but let’s also touch on respecting boundaries. Real friends respect each other.
Do you need us to leave at 7:30pm so the kids can be in bed by 8pm? Cool, we can do that. Don’t want to drink or be around alcohol? No problem, we’ll keep that in the fridge and enjoy a couple crisp cold cans of Sprite. Good friends accommodate each other. I might be bummed to leave my friend’s house early. I might have been looking forward to trying out that new bottle of wine.
However, I love my friends more. End of story. Roots of respect run deep. Love and respect for each other creates a solid foundation.
Apologize and Forgive
If there is a breach in love, humbly apologize. If we wrongfully judged, disrespected, mistreated, gossiped, or crossed a line with our friends, we need to apologize. It can feel hard on the ego, but it’s fertilizer for the relationship. We are imperfect people; we will most definitely unintentionally (or sometimes intentionally) hurt each other.
You don’t need to follow up your apology with a reason or excuse. Simply saying, “I’m sorry. I was wrong. I care about you so much,” is enough. We also need to be quick to forgive. Holding grudges will not cultivate a healthy, deep, loving relationship
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
Ephesians 4:31-32 NIV
Ask Better Questions
I’ll do a post on “better questions” later with more examples, but if you want to go deep, you need to ask better questions.
How’s your day been, what do you do for a living, and what’s your favorite color is not going to get you very far. To ask better questions, you have to get specific to their heart, motives, and intentions with their life. What makes them feel alive? What gives them purpose? What has grieved them; how have they overcome? Let’s get deeper with our conversations with each other. Let’s get to the meat of life. You can’t get deep, if you’re not willing to move out from the shallow.
~ Above All, Love Each Other Deeply ~
I’ve said it before, but these things all come naturally when you are filled with real love. If you want to create deeper more meaningful relationships with other people, all you really have to do is love them more than yourself.
When you love someone more than yourself, you want to be vulnerable with them. You are honest and truthful with them. You start paying more attention to their stories, and listen intently. You quickly find what you have in common and bond over it. You desire to be a safe and loving place for them. You encourage them in keeping their goals as if they were your very own. You make time and opportunity to stay in touch. You are excited to praise them and express gratitude.
When you love, you are watching and anticipating on needs to arise, so that you can be the first to jump in and help them. You respect their boundaries, families, and their individual person, including their past, present, and future selves. You are slow to anger, quick to forgive, and humble to apologize. You begin to dive into more profound heart to heart conversations.
Theses things are all secondary to being filled with an unconditional supernatural kind of love. A love that can only come from our powerful, all-sustaining God. The secret to real, deep, meaningful, loving, selfless relationships that flourish is our Heavenly Father, who at His is core is love.
Hey Sister, let me pray for you🩷
Heavenly Father,
Thank you for my sister in Christ. You see her desire for more meaningful relationships. I ask that you provide opportunity for her to find some incredible friends to walk alongside her through life.
I pray you fill her with your abounding love, so that she can go on and love others like you have loved us. Thank you that we can experience such a heavenly and holy love through you. May we be good stewards of your love so that above all, you are glorified.
I pray this in the powerful, wonderful name of Jesus, Amen
🌸 Get Connected 🌸
*Be sure to confirm subscription via email after submitting. Check junk folder for confirmation email.
I’m SO excited to get all these special extras into your hands! You will not be disappointed – or spammed 😉