How To Love Your Husband The Way He Feels Love

As your loving sister in Christ who is on your side, we need to be loving our husbands better, more, and with a genuine heart. We too easily get caught up and entangled in our own selfishness and our own needs, which more often than not leads to pain, bitterness, and resentment. We need to buck up and do better for our men, especially as christian women who are supposed to be loving like Christ.

Power Over Him

You hold so much more power over your husband than you think. When you learn your man, and know how to deeply love him in a way that only you can, you can make him completely melt. With that kind of power, you can build him up or completely destroy him. You have the ability to get him to his most vulnerable state, where his is heavily influenced by your advice, constructive criticism, and encouragement. You can change the entire atmosphere of your home by loving your husband selflessly. You can be a healer, a mentor, and his most soothing comforter. You have the power to be the best dang wife you could possibly be- and that will undeniably change a man for the better, whether or not you are intending to do so.

Contrarily, you can make his life hell. You can nag, be bitter, talk poorly about him, run his reputation to the ground, keep high unrealistic expectations and be horrifically selfish. Less intensely, you can choose to have an unpleasant attitude. You can choose to NOT love him or require him to cater to you first. That is also very powerful. It’s amazing how quickly a home can turn ugly. It only takes one unnecessary comment, a poor attitude, a holding back of needs or attention, just one mean look to start tearing down the peace in your home.

We owe it to our husbands, ourselves, our children and most importantly our God to show an unending, genuine love. I’ll say it again, as women of God we NEED to step up our game and love with strength, intentionally, and selflessness.

The 5 Love Languages: Crash Course

The idea of the 5 love languages was introduce by a brilliant man named Dr. Gary Chapman, famously in his book, “The 5 Love Languages, The Secret To Love That Lasts.” It is an incredible book that I would highly recommend to any couple, young or old. (Makes for an amazing wedding gift new couples, too!)

The basic concept of the five love languages is that there are five ways in which people can give and receive love:

Quality Time
Gifts
Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
Physical Touch

The important thing to note about these love languages, is that each individual person feels more loved by receiving love through certain love languages more than others. For example, if you feel more loved when someone gives you a gift, than when someone gives you a hug, you might rank gifts as one of your primary love languages. (Or at least higher than physical touch) It’s also important to remember that all these languages are great ways to express love. However, knowing what “language” makes your partner feel the most loved can provide you with helpful insight on how to love him more effectively and deepen your relationship.

My Experience

We tend to try to love our spouses the way we want to be loved rather than how they need to be loved. When my husband and I first got married, I showered him with physical affection. Constantly trying to be close to him: offering up spontaneous hugs, kisses, caresses and cuddling up close to him at every opportunity. I really thought I was making him feel like the luckiest, most loved man on the planet.

Turns out, I was suffocating him.

Physical touch was of low importance to him. So not only was I ineffective in making him feel loved, I was hurting our relationship. He didn’t like feeling so crowded by me. He pushed back, and in turn, I was hurt. Despite my actions being birthed out of love, I wasn’t reading him well, even when his response was obvious. Now, can you guess what my primary love language is? You got it. Physical touch.

On the flip side, I would get so incredibly frustrated with Steven. He was really bad at making me feel loved, and he pushed me away when I tried to get close to cuddle, kiss or have long hugs (which at the time, was constantly.) When I confronted him on this, it blew up into a huge, emotional, immature fight as he rebuttaled back saying, “ I do everything for you. Everything I do, I do for you because I love you. “ Want to guess his love language? Acts of service.

Of course, acts of service ranked pretty darn low of importance for me, so all his efforts of love were going unappreciated by me. In fact, I was resentful towards them because those projects or “acts of service” took time away from loving me (how I wanted to be loved). See the problem?

Bad At Love

For one, I didn’t pay attention to my husband: his responses to my acts of love, his personal needs, or what he was trying to do for me. I didn’t look for what made him feel loved. Secondly, I was subconsciously, selfishly, and ignorantly seeking love from him. The truth is I wasn’t really trying to love him, as I made myself believe; I was trying to be loved by him.

In the end, we were both begging to be loved by the other person, while at the same time tirelessly trying to make the other person feel loved. We were starving each other and exhausting ourselves. It reminds me of old cartoons when the character runs as fast as they can, but don’t actually get anywhere. Needless to say, we had plenty of tension to go around. We were bad at loving each other.

How To Love Your Husband According to His Love Language

First thing first, figure out what his top 2-3 love languages are. Pay attention to how he responds to different things and talk about it. There’s no need to over complicate it by making it a guessing game; if you don’t know, just ask. Then, capitalize on it. I’m serious.

Not to make it sound like a business endeavor but is it not our job to love like Christ? It is our business. Not only that, but we vowed in God’s name to do so at the altar as we married our men. We took up the responsibility, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, ‘til death do us part. And we aren’t dead yet, so let’s do this thing!

All Ways, Always

It’s amazing to be loved in all sorts of ways, so you don’t have to jump right to his primary language for ideas. Look through all the sections to pick up some great ideas! It never hurts to keep a few in the back of your mind that branch out into other categories. There is no limit of how much you can love your husband, as long as God remains our first love. We get to go all in when it comes to expressing love, in all sorts of ways- always.

“Always” is hard, because we don’t always feel like loving our husbands. But can I encourage you to try to love him well, even when you don’t feel like it? Can you find the strength to love even when you are brokenhearted? Can you muster up the self-control to show love when you are angry? Can you be courageous enough to show love when you’ve been hurt, rejected and feel vulnerable- especially if previous attempts to show love didn’t go as you planned? It’s not easy, I struggle with this a lot. Let me encourage you with this thought: I have never regretted loving my husband.

Whether I am in the thick of my hurt, my anger, my excitement, my passion and joy, in my pain and bitterness, in hopelessness, or rejection, I have never regretted loving him. Contrarily, I have regretted giving him the cold shoulder, a silent treatment, and abstaining and withholding love for him out of my unsteady, ever-changing, often selfish emotions. We have one life to live, let’s not fill it with moments of regret.

Quality Time

People who feel the most loved through quality time generally find a deep connection through meaningful conversations, undivided attention, and moments that are made intentionally for time together. The key word here is QUALITY. This means time that includes plenty of eye contact, mental engagement, active listening, little to no interruptions and background noise, and a sense of genuine curiosity for what they are saying or doing.

When loving your husband through quality time, try not to look at your phone, turn off the TV, find a space away from the kids, and fully engage your mind and body in the moment to focus on him. Here are some things to do to make for more quality time:

Sit with him while he works on his projects
Eat meals together
Initiate and engage in meaningful (to him) conversation
Intentionally set aside time to connect
Read to/with him
Drive together when possible, without music or radio
Go to church together
Walk together
Go on a date (coffee, movie, hike, food, gun range, dance, disc golf, canoeing, etc.)
Workout together

Gifts

Some people are incredible at coming up with thoughtful gifts for others- I am definitely NOT one of those people. However, if your man loves receiving gifts, here are some questions to consider: What are some things that he can never have enough of or that are often running out? What is something that he uses all the time that is long overdue for an upgrade? For example, maybe he’s been wearing the same socks for the last 8 years and could use some new ones.

Be a strong observer and an even better listener, and you’re bound to hear some gift ideas drop out of his mouth on occasion. Make note of them as they come! Gifts do not have to be expensive or even bought. The goal is to go for something that is thoughtful and personal to him. Simply making your man a special treat to give him can be a gift! The sky is the limit when it comes to gift ideas. I know my husband LOVES when I text pictures of the kids playing while he is at work- those photos are gifts to him! Here are some other ideas that can make for thoughtful gifts:

Buy (or make) him coffee/tea
Tools
Practical mechanical items (Carb cleaner, shop rags, Seafoam, etc.)
Book he’s been wanting
Snacks
Clothing
Beer (or other choice drink)
Coffee mug or Water bottle
Extension cords
Massager (That you’ll use on him!😉)
Tickets to an event or movie
Hobby items (Paints, ammo, camping gear, arrows, fish hooks, screws/nails, etc.)
Framed or developed photo

Words of Affirmation

Someone who feels loved through words of affirmation value comments that express love and loyalty, assurance that they do well, appreciation and gratitude, and encouragement.

It’s important to make these expressions deep, personal, and honest. It’s okay to stroke his ego a little bit here, but you need to mean what you say or he’ll see through it. Before I get into ideas, here are a few quick tips for effective words of affirmation:

Mention Things that Mean the Most to Him

To make the most of your words of affirmation, be sure to include things that are of importance to him. For example, if he is stressed about providing for the family financially, you can assure him that you are more than comfortable with your guys’ financial state, and he is doing more than enough. Express a heart of abundance to combat his doubt while assuring him that he is providing well.

Mentioning what matters the most to him in your affirmations is my number one piece of advice. You can compliment how good he looks in his jeans all day, but if he doesn’t care about what he looks like while wearing his jeans, it’s not going to be a very impactful, loving statement for him.

Be as Personal as Possible, and Use Specific Examples to Make your Point

Here’s what I mean: Instead of simply telling your husband he looks good, tell him how hot he looked when the sweat was glistening on his skin and how flustered you became while watching his arms flex as he was chopping wood for the wood stove.

Or, instead of saying “I like when you help with chores”, you can try saying, “I really loved when you did the dishes last night, it made me feel so appreciated and loved by you. It gave me the opportunity to rest and enjoy some me time. Thank you for putting me above yourself.”

Give Him Words of Affirmation Regularly

This one is pretty self explanatory, but it’s not easy to remember to assure your husband in everyday life, especially when you feel like he isn’t meeting your needs or doing a good job at XYZ. Dropping words of affirmation regularly throughout life will be a huge encouragement for him, and most likely, the more you compliment him, the better he will perform in the area you complimented him in!

Don't exaggerate (Too Much) or Be Unrealistic with Your Words

Like I said earlier, he’ll see through the exaggeration if you don’t fully believe what you are saying or if you are making it to be (too much) more than it is. Making your affirmations a little ✨extra✨ is okay and can give a man a wonderful sense of assurance and confidence. However, if you go too far above and beyond, you risk coming off as mocking, sarcastic, and disingenuous.

Search For Things You Love About Him

It is easy to find all the things you don’t like about someone or the areas in which they are lacking. I fully believe this statement to be true: You see what you are searching for. (or however that famous saying goes) The more you look for good things, the more good things you will see. If you are having a hard time coming up with great ways to encourage and affirm your husband, look for areas he excels in or things you love about him. If you are looking with a loving heart, you will find them.

Here are some ways and prompts you can use:

Compliment his looks and/or physical strength and ability
“I love ___ about you, it shows __ about your character”
Tell him how much you enjoy him in bed
Give him a shout out on social media
“I’d marry you over and over again”
“You are such a good dad” (or friend/husband/son) + an example as proof (ex. The way he plays, teaches, reads, models, works alongside his children)
Compliment his work ethic
Brag about him (In front of and behind his back)
Text him randomly with something sweet (or spicy)
Leave a note for him the night before to find in the morning
Point out his intelligence in any area as it arises (when he does quick math, shares knowledge on a subject, fixes the car)
“I love how you can always make me laugh, even on my worst days”
“I’m so grateful you ____”
“That’s why I love you so much, because you ____”
“You inspire me to be a better person”
“Thank you for ___”
“I’m glad a married someone who is so __ “(driven, strong, admirable, Godly, confident, honest, a good leader, a man of integrity, etc)

Acts Of Service

You might look at this list and immediately think, “I am not his mother!” You’re right, a lot of these things are his responsibility, but cleaning, cooking, and doing chores for him can be a very effective way to show love. People who feel the most loved through acts of service find value and love in someone who goes out of their way to make their life a little easier.

This is my husband’s top love language. He loves to enjoy a welcoming space, good food, and extra time that he can spend doing other things because I already did the simple chores. So, don’t knock these ideas out too fast! Anything that you can think of that would make his life easier, better, or more efficient are great ideas.

Make good food
Sweep the garage
Make the bed
Maintain a clean, welcoming home
Have his morning coffee/tea ready
Fold and put away his laundry
Fill his car with gas (or wash it)
Do a chore that is normally his job (ex. Mow the lawn or bring the trash to the end of the driveway)
Start his car to warm up on a cold morning and scrap the ice off
Run errands
Schedule appointments and keep track of them
Help him with what he is doing
Give him a massage
Offer sexual favors
Warm up his towel in the dryer while he’s in the shower
Cater to him while he is sick
Ask him if there’s anything he’d like you to do
Light a candle so the house smells nice

Physical Touch

Sex is a need, whether or not your husband enjoys much physical touch outside of sex. Although these two things can go hand in hand, your husband’s need for sex is not something that determines how loved he feels when he is being touched outside of physical intimacy. If your partner loves physical touch, here are some alternative ways to show physical affection aside from having sex.

Hold his hand
Hug
Playfully wrestle
Place your arm around him while standing next to him
Dance (I’m a sucker for slow dances in the kitchen when the kids are in bed)
Brush your partner as you walk past
Sitting or sleeping close enough to touch
Put your arms around his neck in a casual embrace as you/he talks
Rest your head on his shoulder, lap, or chest
Activity or skill you can do together that requires physical contact (Jiu jitsu, dance, couples challenges or workouts, etc.)
Give him a massage (Neck, back, head, hands, feet, legs, etc.)
Kiss (Lips, cheek, forehead, etc.)
Run your fingers through his hair
Cuddle
Caress his face
Brush your fingers along his back
Shower or bathe together
Put your hand on his leg while he’s driving
Be receptive to physical touch when he embraces or offers

BONUS! I’m adding a love language:

PRAYER

Women of God, are we praying for our husbands? Really, truly? Because we need to be. Is there a greater way to love than to ask for the Creator of heaven and earth to bless our husbands? The one who IS love. This is something that I have slacked in for many years, and it’s ending today- right now. We need to be praying with our husbands and for our husbands.

If you don’t know where to start, here are some really great areas to pray for your husband, which I am mainly pulling right from Stormie Omartian, wrote the book, “The power of a praying wife.” I highly recommend reading this book if you haven’t. It walks you through areas to pray for your husband including:

His work
His finances
His sexuality
His mind
His fears
His temptations
His purpose
His choices
His trails
His health
His protection
His integrity
His reputation
His priorities
His relationships
His past
His fatherhood
His attitude
His emotions
His marriage
His spirituality

Be Satisfied

As I mentioned, it’s hard to love your husband when you feel hurt by him or when he is not meeting your needs. I’ll take the heat for this one, but it has to be said: he doesn’t have to meet your needs. Even if he tries, he probably won’t be able to anyways. That is a hard, painful truth. I have grieved over it and still wrestle with it sometimes, because there are things I desperately want from my husband.

At the end of the day, the only one who can fully satisfy you is Jesus. If we are searching for sustained satisfaction anywhere but Jesus, we are setting ourselves up for failure, hurt, disappointment, and hopelessness. More specifically, if we are relying on our husbands to be the one to meet our needs, we are setting him and your marriage up for disaster. God is our rock, the one who never changes and never fails to fulfill his promises. Give your needs up to him and he will take care of your heart. He will love you without fail. He is always faithful, something that no human, hobby, or any other man-made concept can do for you.

Be satisfied in Jesus, and anything your husband does to love you is extra. You can accept his love with gratefulness and still thank God for it, because all good things ultimately come from Him.

I hope you were able to get some new ideas to love your husband today!

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