Let Him Be Mad

When someone we love is hurting, our first reaction is to try to make them feel better. This is especially true when it comes to our spouses. I don’t think it’s wrong to want our husbands to be happy. However, I believe there is something powerful about allowing him to be upset without us intervening with his emotional process.

Thoughts & Feelings

We were given the ability to feel for a reason. They are signs that generally reflect the way we are thinking about something. When someone dies, if we believe they are in a better place or no longer are suffering, we may feel peace. If we are thinking we didn’t get enough time with them or left with things unsaid, we may feel angry. How we think about things determines how we feel about them. Feelings are not good or bad, they are simply a byproduct of positive or negative thinking about different circumstances. So, when we are feeling bad, it’s a good sign that we need to check our thoughts.

Emotional and Mental Responsibility

Of course, we want to make our husbands feel better because we love them. It’s natural for us to want to do that, but I want to suggest the idea that part of loving your husband is allowing him to feel upset around you.

If you ask yourself why you want to make him happy, you might find the reasons to be a bit more selfish than you first thought. I often catch myself relying on my husband’s good mood for my own sense of peace. I usually want to make him feel better so that I feel better. There are 2 things wrong with that.

) I’m making my responsibility (to manage my own emotions) depend on him
) It suggests that feeling bad is wrong and that it needs to be fixed

It is not your responsibility to make your husband happy. It is not your husband’s responsibility to make you happy. Feelings come from our thinking, and your thinking is your own responsibility.

Create a Loving Environment

You love your husband. So if trying to make him feel better isn’t the answer, then what is? A great place to start is by creating a loving environment for him to be whatever he is needing to be in that moment. You are his safe place. He cannot have tantrums with his buddies or meltdown at work. He could, but he doesn’t, because he is not comfortable there.

His safe place where he can comfortably express himself is with you. What an honor you have to be that person for him. Let’s make the most of that role by making a place that is loving, kind, and an all-around open space for him without judgment. Sometimes, we all need to be sad or mad or upset. You have the opportunity to provide a compassionate and loving place for him to do that. Here are some simple ways to create a loving environment for your husband.

” It’s my job to love and respect Billy; it’s God’s job to make him good.”

– Ruth Graham

How to Create a Loving Environment

1.) Change Your Goal

Make your goal to offer a place of love and peace for him rather than to make him feel better. You can’t control his feelings. By making the environment your goal, it takes the pressure off you. It’s a goal you can be successful at. Creating a loving environment might not make him feel better, but it does ensure he has a good place to work through it rather than push it down to later come out in other areas of life via frustration, resentment, etc.

2.) Check Yourself

When my husband is frustrated, he starts to become a bit more… snarky. That irritates me. I let that extra snark make me upset. And you know what NEVER helps my husband when he is upset? Me being upset at him for him being upset.

When my husband is disappointed, it doesn’t help when I try to carry that burden with him. We think we are being empathetic and understanding. However, just as much as we tend to want to make our husbands happy, they try to do that for us. So when we get down in the dumps with them, not only are they struggling with themselves, they now feel pressure to make us feel better, too.

Try to view his emotional process as neither good nor bad. Allow him to work through it without you taking it personal. Know that it’s okay to be happy when he is not. It’s not selfish or insensitive for you to stay in a good mental state. In fact, it’s often much better if you do.

3.) Just Ask

Us women like to complicate things. I have over exhausted myself many times trying to make my husband “feel better” without just asking him what he needs. A simple, “What can I do for you? “can be all it takes to help make a better environment for him to work through things. Does he want to talk about it? If so, does he want your input or just a listening ear? Maybe your husband would like some space and alone time while you take the kids outside.

You can offer some suggestions to help but try not to overload him. If he is stressed with all the things he needs to do, ask if there is any way you could do some. Sometimes all my husband needs to relax and open up is a back rub. It could mean having a meal ready for him or packing his lunch to have one less thing to worry about, and more time for him to focus on working himself out. Creating that environment can look different for every man. Rather than exhausting yourself trying to do it all, just ask what would be helpful to him.

Again, these things aren’t to make him feel better (but if they do, that’s great, too), but to create a space that says, “I am on your side. I see you are hurting/mad/frustrated/stressed/etc., and I am willing to help you work through it if you’d like.” His emotions, struggles, and problems are not ours to fix. We are here for support.

Space

When the answer requires space from you, respond well to that. I struggle with taking it personally when he doesn’t want me around, but it’s not about me, it’s about him. It’s not that he doesn’t want me, rather he can focus on his problem better without me there. Perhaps it’s to keep him from saying things he will later regret because he is angry or in a bad state of mind. We don’t need to know the reason; we just need to respect the request.

When you can gladly accept that answer and give him space in love, he will be able to better manage himself, build trust with you to honor his word, and you don’t get stuck in the mindset of rejection and resentment. *Remember if he doesn’t take any of your suggestions, it’s not rejection of you. He might not want what you offer and that’s okay, he doesn’t need to.

4.) No Judgment

It’s crucial that you contain your judgments about your husband: why he feels what he does, how he processes it, or judgements about the particular situation that has him upset in the first place. (Assuming he is processing it safely. If how he handles his feelings is morally wrong or unsafe, it’s definitely worth discussing)

He’s wrestling with his thoughts and emotions. You are giving him a place to finish the fight in a no-judgment zone. Fights aren’t pretty: internal or external. Sometimes they are messy, disappointing, don’t make sense or completely unorthodox. That’s okay. It’s okay, because you’re letting it be okay by remaining judgment-free while he works through it.

5.) Be Grateful

He is being open with you. There are not many people, if any besides you, who see him in his most vulnerable states. Even if you don’t enjoy his tantrums, meltdowns, or awful mood, you can be grateful that you are that person for him. Having a grateful heart that he is comfortable being upset around you makes it easier to allow it to happen.

Of course it’s uncomfortable for us. It doesn’t feel good for us to witness a loved one upset or be around a bad mood. This is why we must view this situation through the eyes of gratefulness. Guard yourself with gratefulness, and you will be much more equipped to handle what he’s bringing to the table.

6.) I Love You

These words are powerful. Say them. They can be healing in times of frustration. Letting him know you love him even when he is at his worst, most upset and angry state is reassuring.

There is also something to be said about hearing yourself say them. It’s not just a statement of fact. It’s a choice and declaration that even now, you do and will love him; in this current moment and all the ones to come.

Commit to loving him, and it will be easier to make a safe environment for him. It proves to him that you are on his side, through thick and thin. That builds trust. It builds security, safety, and comfort. It allows your husband to be fully himself in you, and know he will be loved.

Let him be mad

Let him hurt

Let him fall apart

Create an environment for him to do that: an environment in which he knows he will be met with love, kindness, gentleness, and grace. This is what it is to love like Christ. This is how we can bless our husbands the way God blesses us. You and your husband both benefit from loving like this. Your marriage is strengthened through consistent love. So, love your husband, and let him be mad.

Did you get something out of that? I really hope so!

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