Loneliness in Motherhood
” I feel like I’m never alone, and always alone at the same time.”
I cried to my husband, who has heard me fall apart countless times since giving birth to our first child just over two years ago. I know I am not the only one who feels this way. Loneliness in motherhood is a BIG problem. Most of us are feeling lonely and isolated in motherhood, but just because it is normal, doesn’t mean it’s okay.
Real Moms, Real Struggle, Real Problem
Although loneliness is very prominent for stay at home moms, it is not subjected to them; working mothers are also suffering. There is a violent routine of work, come home, work more to keep children alive and well, manage a few hours of sleep just to repeat the process. It is too easy to get caught in the motions of our own worlds, and to feel like we hold them up alone.
We are longing for company and social connections. We are made for each other, yet we are not prioritizing our social lives. The requirements of time, dedication, consistency, and effort are hard to come by, but we must scrounge up those resources to make change as well as live a meaningful and fulfilling life.
The Solution
The only solution to loneliness is CONNECTION.
If we are not intentional and consistent in connecting with others, we will not overcome loneliness. We are all sick and tired of being lonely. Yet few of us make any changes to how we are living, because as sad and lonely as we are, it’s comfortable. We have already created routines and habits around ourselves and our own families that is much easier to maintain than planning out or around other social activities. Even a simple phone call is a whole event if you have young children! Ask me how I know.
I know it’s hard, but we need to stop using easy excuses and make it things happen. It’s time for us to stand up and get uncomfortable. It’s time for us to put in the effort. If we want to see real change in our lives and the lives of others, we need to actually change the way we do life. Here are some great places to start to help fill that social battery:
Join a Parent Group
Often times churches will have mom group get togethers, but if that is not your style most communities offer mommy and me classes, MOPS (Mothers of preschoolers- Birth through Kindergarten) meet-ups, or early learning education classes for parents and children. This is a great way to meet people who are in a similar season of life as you which makes for easy bonding!
Try Out a Class
I have seen this option on so many blogs whether it’s related to motherhood, individual development or otherwise, and I always skipped over it thinking that it wouldn’t be for me. So hear me out when I say this could be a game changer for you. There is a class for everyone and in person classes are more available and affordable than you might think! Here are some options:
- Gym class through a gym membership
- Cooking class
- Pottery or Painting
- Quilting
- Martial Arts
- Conceal and Carry
My husband and I just started a jiu-jitsu class a month ago, and I’ll be honest, I was not real enthusiastic jumping into it. Now however, I love it and look forward to going it! I am excited to learn a new skill, grow, and be surrounded by other people. So, take a chance. If it costs money and you’re not sure if you will like it, you can always ask to do a trial week to get a feel for it! Most places already offer something like that, and the worst they can say is no. ( And that is not a bad worst case scenario! )
Consider a Part-Time or On-Call Job
If you have a full-time job, or are a mother of young children, this might not be a viable option for you. However, if you are a stay at home mom and miss work, see if your previous job will allow you to work a few hours here and there. If you had a good standing with your company when you left, they may be more willing to work with you than you’d think.
Maybe you can’t commit to full or even part time, but could pick up hours on the weekends while your spouse watches the kids, work night shifts, or possible evenings here and there. There are plenty of opportunities and options out there, and it doesn’t hurt to reach out!
Join a Book Club
Love to read? This could be right up your alley! Even if you don’t keep up with the book, you can still meet up with the group, chat, eat snacks, and listen in on the good parts as people discuss!
Get Together with a Friend
Our culture is so good at putting in a rain check or cancelling – just because we don’t feel like going out. Can we stop this? By normalizing this bad habit we are doing a disservice to ourselves and our friends. This part of your life is something you need to tend to, which means doing what it takes to grow even when you don’t feel like it.
We don’t feel like doing a lot of things: working out, eating healthy, showing up to work, making time for our friends, but we NEED to in order to be healthy. Truly, your friend probably needs it to. Show up tired. Show up boring. Show up as a mess. Show up with your kids who are too much to handle. Let’s do this thing together. Like with marriage, your friendships takes work even when you don’t feel like it.
Talk to Strangers
Bad advice for children, emphasized advice for adults. Your best friend was once a stranger. What if instead of talking to your husband or best friend when you were strangers, you scrolled on your phone. A whole lifetime of love, support, and cherished moments would not exist. Start a conversation with strangers, it’s really not as scary as our minds make it up to be. Compliment a lady on her nice hair or simply give a friendly, “Hello” with a smile, and you’re off to a great start.
Go to a Concert or Other Live Event
Earlier this year I went to a concert at a small venue. Although the venue was small, the crowd was large. As we packed into this small room with no way to avoid touching at least 2-3 other people surrounding you, we enjoyed beautiful music and sang together. It was a beautiful experience, and I have never before felt so connected to complete strangers. It seems contradictory to have had such an intimate experience without even speaking to the other people around me, and yet it filled my social cup and is now a memory I will never forget. Concerts are not the only live events to attend! There are also events such as:
- City Block Parties
- State/County Fairs
- Seminars
- Live Workshops
- Shows
- Plays
- Marathons
- Fishing Contests
- Festivals
Join a Bible Study
Even if your church does not offer a study during a time you could meet, reach out to another church! Typically, you do not have to be a part of that congregation to be involved in the studies. At the end of the day, we are all one body in Christ no matter which one of your town’s 5 churches you attend on Sunday.
Go to Church
Speaking of church, have you been attending a Sunday morning service? If not, consider a nearby church! Most places offer childcare, but children are often welcome to join the service with their parents if you are more comfortable with that option!
Join a Hiking Club
The word “hiking” is a fancy term for nature walk. You do not have to be a rugged mountain hiker to be a part of a hiking club. It’s not uncommon for groups to do simple nature walks at a nearby park or even find trails that are stroller accessible to bring the kids along.
Find a Community to Do Your Work With
Here’s what I mean by this: Find people who do what you do, and do it together. For example, if you are a stay at home mom, find another stay at home mom and get together to mother together in each others company. If you homeschool, you could get involved with a co-op group and teach a subject. If you need to clean your house, invite a friend to help you with some fun drinks and music. For the next time, you head over to her house for the spring cleaning. We can make what we do everyday, be a social event. Both parties receive help, connection, and complete a chore all in one.
Volunteer
This is a great way to give back to the community while getting out of the house and connecting with other people! Here are a few common volunteer opportunities that may be available near you:
- Food Shelves
- Nursing Homes
- Animal Shelters
- Charity Organizations such as Feed my Staving Children
- Hospital Visits
- Community Events
If none of those things are interesting to you
or what you would want doesn't exist yet,
Start Your Own Gathering
Even if it is just with one other person. What is fun for you? What is something you would be interested in doing with other people? Maybe you start a monthly meal prep group. Maybe you find some other moms to do a field trip with to a museum, petting zoo, etc. Maybe you start an annual apple harvest baking day where you and your neighbor pick a ton of apples from your trees to bake into apple pies, crisps, or homemade apple cider. Whatever you might be into, there is probably someone else who would also love to join you, too. It does not have to be a traditional coffee and cookie meet-up (although I do love myself some good ol’ coffee, cookies, and connection). You can get creative and make your connection opportunities however you want! Maybe you need something with or without the kids, mornings or evenings, weekdays or weekends, long period of time or short: make something work for you.
You can be the start. Stop waiting for someone else to reach out. If we are all sitting ducks, we’ll all continue to sit in our sad pit of loneliness. Be the change!
Face to Face
I love social media, texting, and video chats as much as the next gal. Although these are great tools to remain in touch, they cannot be replacements for face to face connection. They simply do not provide the powerful and necessary interaction that you experience while in the physical presence of other human beings.
A new way I have started thinking about my phone is to use it as a means of scheduling an in-person get together. Rather than using it to communicate without having to put forth effort into meeting with people.
Of course our phones serve many other purposes: calculator, GPS, and provides the answer to all life’s questions thanks to Google. However, I am speaking specifically towards the way we use our phones to drown ourselves in social media and text without attempting any in person gathering.
Cultivate Meaningful Relationships
Being in the presence of other people is a powerful experience, even if they are only acquaintances or even strangers. However, having at least one or two deep deep relationships is essential to combat loneliness. More often than not, 30 minutes with a real good friend can be more healing, fun, and inspiring than a 2 hour long event buzzing with new people and small talk.
Don’t get me wrong, there is a place for friendly small talk with new people. Small comments about the weather acts as an open door to a new and beautiful friendship. All good relationships have to start somewhere!
To have a deep meaningful relationship means having a relationship with someone who will love and support you, as well as be honest and provide you with constructive criticism when needed or asked for. This person will encourage you and urge you to be the best person you can be. They will cry with you, laugh with you, and do life with you. You need to find a couple of these people to have on your side.
How to Cultivate Meaningful Relationships
How do you find these people? Or maybe you have friends, but you want to deepen the relationship and don’t know how. Here is the key factor: To get good friends, you need to be a good friend. All of those qualities I listed before, you need to acquire. You need to be honest, loving, supportive, and give encouragement and feedback. You need to celebrate their wins and morn with them in their losses. You need to love them above yourself.
Not only do you need those qualities, you need to put that love for your friends in action. This means putting in work, time, patience, and effort into the relationships. If you don’t have good friends, be the good friend by
- Pushing through the awkwardness + small talk of a new friend
- Check in with a “How are you really doing?”
- Be vulnerable and honest when asked back
- Initiate and plan a meet-up that works for both/all parties
- Be consistent in getting together
- Make it your job to learn their love language, and provide within the friendship
- Remain loyal through “dry” or frustrating seasons with your friends
Intimate relationships are not easy to maintain, because humans are often imperfect, selfish or simply just plain negligent. It’s hard to not get consumed with everything going on within our own lives and the lives of our children. However, we must start looking out and living for the other people around us to truly thrive in this life, and that takes work. Thankfully, we are all capable and can be good at putting in a little extra work!
Capitalize on Social Opportunities
Capitalize on the social opportunities in front of you by engaging with the people around you. Even if you are a stay at home hermit like myself, there are still times when I need to get out of the house. Whether it be for groceries, to attend church, while dropping kids off at sports, or otherwise, where there are people, there is social opportunity. Like I said before, all best friends start as strangers, so use the opportunities as they present themselves to engage in conversations! Some easy conversation starters include:
- What are you doing today?
- How many children do you have?
- What do you do on such nice days like today?
- How often to you come here?
- Where do you work?
- Comment or question about the shared environment (ex. at the sports drop off, ask ” Do you have a child in soccer, too? “)
Intentional Busy
Busy- I am beginning to hate that word. Although busy can be a good thing, it seems we are all consumed in “busy”. So much so that we use it to excuse all our bad habits, and as an excuse to avoid doing all the good habits that we should be doing.
If we are going be busy, let’s be intentional about our busy. Let’s give our busy a purpose. If we are going to be busy cooking dinner, let’s cook enough to share. If we are busy with our own projects, let’s see who else would like to join for help! Make time for other people. Ideally, you could do at least one thing per week that involves other people. Realistically, it’s okay to start small with baby steps. My challenge for you is to schedule something on the calendar right now. Don’t just think about it, get it concrete in your schedule. Message that friend to get together, write down that you will attend church this Sunday, or sign up for the class happening at the gym. Whatever you want or decide to do- do it right now.
Challenge: Schedule a social get-together right now. (Can be anything with a person or people)
The thing about you needing connection is that it is not just you, everyone needs connection. Your presence is a gift to other people, just as other people are a gift to you. We belong together. So do both yourself and other people a favor by doing life together.
Embrace this Time
” I feel like I do nothing, and yet I feel like I can’t get anything done. “
Can you relate to this statement? I have felt this way for the entirety of my motherhood thus far. However, our feelings are very misleading. We are keeping humans alive (including ourselves), teaching, and modeling how to live a life worth-while. We are raising up a generation. We are changing the world by influencing our children. Every mundane day, we are doing powerful, glorious, life altering work. This is important work that we are constantly doing, even if the laundry doesn’t get done or the dirty dishes are still sitting in the sink.
Journey of Growth
This season of motherhood, especially with young children feels undeniably lonely at times. Although we can do things to overall feel less lonely and more connected, there are times where we struggle alone. Use this season to grow.
Discover more about yourself as you embrace this new role and season of life. You have not lost yourself, you just have’t discovered who you are in this stage of life yet. I am still in my journey of discovery, and as soon as I learn it, I will be onto the next chapter as my children move out of baby and toddlerhood to school-age children.
Motherhood is a place of new pressures. A period in which patience is pushed. A time of frustration, loneliness, and uncharted challenges. I urge you to view these things as a means of potential for yourself rather than pure struggle. Lean into the pressures it brings and overcome. Allow your patience to be stretched, so that you are capable of more tolerance. Aquire skills to manage your frustrations, cope with struggles, and conquer intense and unique challenges.
You Are Not Alone
I can talk about this topic with such emphasis, because I know what it is like to feel so incredibly lonely in motherhood. The past couple years have been so hard. In fact, I still struggle with the day to day of being home alone, with my kids, the majority of my time. However, I am finally taking steps to make real change and I am reaping the benefits of stepping out again.
This time in life is not easy. We have to learn to care for ourselves in new ways. Mentally, socially, physically, and spiritually. We must dig into our connection with God during this time. (Heaven knows we need it now more than ever!) Thankfully, God is omnipresent so we always have access to talk with Him.
Again, this is a challenging time, and challenging times can lead to incredible growth or complete destruction. Use this time to fiercely flourish. Find your people, they are out there and waiting for you. Make the move towards deep meaningful relationships. Remember: You are not alone.
In This Together
Hey mama, I see you. I see you hurting. I see you struggling on your own. Let me lift you up in prayer:
Dear God,
I pray you strengthen this mama. I ask that you help her find a loving friend or community to share her life with and encourage her. Give her the courage to be vulnerable and deepen her friendships for authentic connection. Above all, I ask that you remind her how much you truly love her, and allow her to feel the power of your faithful love. Thank you for her and the good work you are doing in her.
In Jesus name,
Amen
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