Shooting Stars
It was an ordinary night around 3:15am.
Ordinary
Ordinary, at the time, meant working a 7pm-3am shift. Arriving home, showering, waking my husband for work, and hopping into bed by 4am. (3:45 am if I was lucky) To soon be awakened by my blessed little children some time between 7:30-8am. After a hard-slept 4 hours at best, I set out to work on the house we were building. In between working on the house, I was also making phone calls to the bank, the inspector, and the very few contractors we hired, and of course taking care of the children. (I use the phrase “taking care” very loosely, as I merely kept them alive.) Eventually, the love of my life would get home from work by 6-6:15pm giving us a solid 15-30 minutes to scarf down food, initiate some form of emotional and relational turmoil, and get ready for me to leave for my 7pm-3am shift.
Shift in the Night
As I was saying, it was an ordinary night around 3:15am. I was driving home from work in an exhausted, anxiety-ridden, depressed state of mind when I saw a shooting star. It was beautiful. Extraordinarily beautiful when life seemed so awful. Soon enough, I saw another! And another! Incredibly, I found myself driving home during a meteor shower!
Tiredness left my sleep-deprived body and anxiety turned into excitement! I saw at least 8 shooting stars in a 15 minute span, but while driving. So, I could only see them briefly out of the corner of my eye. I couldn’t wait to park the car at home so I could sit and admire the show.
Another Heartbreak
Once I arrived home, I looked at the sky. Clear, cold, and absolutely stunning. I marveled at the sky, and wondered at the work of God’s hands. I thought about how big and vast the universe is, how majestic He made everything to be. But there was something missing; the shooting stars. The meteor shower was over. I missed it.
How could I have seen over 13 shooting stars on the drive home, park the car and see absolutely none. Disappointment was an understatement. I finally experienced some kind of beauty and excitement for the first time in months. I allowed myself to feel something good and couldn’t wait to sit and watch them. I had parked the car with full assurance that more would come. I had no doubt that I would get to experience a meteor shower in all its glory.
My mistake. What’s another disappointment? What’s another heartbreak?
Refusal and Determination
Now, I may not be the best at everything, but two things I am: patient and determined. I sat in the car, which quickly dropped down to 34 degrees, for 20 minutes. (Which is basically an eternity when you only get 3-4 hours of sleep per night). I shed some tears, alone in my car. I often shed tears during this time of life, but these were different. Was it anger? Disappointment? Lack of sleep? Heartbreak? Sheer exhaustion? Maybe just another of my many meltdowns from the current hardships? I really can’t say for certain. Nevertheless, the tears ran hot and abundantly down my freezing cheeks.
Acceptance
I looked up again at the stars once more before finally heading inside. The cold was bitter, and the grief I was feeling became too much to bear. I wiped my cheeks halfheartedly. Perhaps the tears washed a path for the shift in my heart, but I closed my eyes and said “Thank you, God for the stars. Thank you for the shooting stars I did get to see.”
When I opened my eyes, a shooting star streaked downward through the sky. One short, yet, beautiful shooting star. This was the shooting star that wrecked my heart. I said thank you again, with a final tear. I felt the love of God so strong. It was so intimate, so personal. It was like an almost too-tight hug from a friend who knows words will not suffice. I felt warmth from the inside-out. This was the love of God.
The Love of my God
I hate to admit that moments like that for me are rare, but those moments are burned into my heart. I did not test God, I did not beg Him for another shooting star, but he gave me one- just as I was about to give up on looking. That shooting star he gave to me. Of course, I then watched longer to see if more would come, if another shower would begin, but it did not. However, my soul was WELL satisfied. My heart had been so heavy.
Now, that star did not make the long days more restful. That star did not take away my grief. That star didn’t make it easier to build the house or revive my marriage or enhance my motherhood.
That star showed me grace; it was a gift from God. God revealed part of Himself to me that night. He filled my soul with His love. He reminded me that He loves me- a concept I have often struggled with. It was a sacred raw moment between a compassionate father and a hurting, hopeless daughter. He didn’t owe me a shooting star- He doesn’t owe us anything. He is a gracious God, worthy of all praise. That cold winter night is now part of my testimony, a testimony of His love and goodness.
O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands.
~ Psalm 63:1-4
Sign Up For My Email Subscription!
*Confirm Subscription via email- May need to check your junk folder. 😉
So glad you’re back. I really enjoy reading your blog.
Love, Mom